It’s the 30th of November, your mother’s birthday. She’s turning 46 now. She’s been missing having you next to her for her special day for the last five years. It’s also your name day, St. Andrew. Here, no one really gets name days; they don’t celebrate them. Back home, however, they used to be a big thing. Everyone would wish you a “happy name day” and it would be almost like your birthday.
A flashback to your mum blowing the candles whilst everyone is cheering “happy birthday” hits you. The way friends and family used to gather in the small living room and celebrate. That feeling of belonging that’s long gone now. Instead, a deep feeling of emptiness takes over.
Back home they have a long bank holiday weekend. Like Scotland, Romania celebrates the 30th of November as St. Andrew’s Day as St. Andrew is also the patron saint of Romania. From it follows the 1st of December, the National Day of Romania. It is the date on which in 1918, Transilvania united with the rest of Romania, creating a new state. Until then Romania was about half of the size it is today.
You’ve spent last night skyping with your family. They were telling you how they are going to spend this long weekend at the mountains with their godparents and how much they wish you were there with them to celebrate. You kept on smiling at the camera but the connection was bad so you managed to shed some tears in between the smiles without them noticing.
Your best friend is also celebrating this bank holiday by taking a wonderful trip with her boyfriend to your beloved Netherlands. Oh, how you wish you were there! The beautiful canals, the picturesque landscapes and that euphoric feeling present at all times.
Everyone seems to be in a celebratory mood back home, yet you are stuck with the worst weekday of all, Thursday and even worse so, the end of the month. Stocktake, queues and the like populate your day. You just want to disappear. You don’t feel like eating either, that feeling of emptiness in your stomach seems to be like a huge bubble, not allowing anything to go in.
Steaming the milk calms you down at least, seeing it creating some sort of whirlwind pattern is somewhat soothing. Although after about ten minutes it gets extremely boring and tedious. You avoid human interaction as much as possible as you are not a big fan of small talk. When you do have to be at the till people just tend to ignore you. They throw their desired products at you and pull out their contactless card. You resemble a machine more than anything else. Self-service much? No hello, no thank you either. You wish you had a motivating job that stimulated your brain and your unlimited creativity. You haven’t been that lucky so far and with two masters commencing in less than a month you think it isn’t worth to start looking for other jobs either.
You want to feel happy, you truly do, but on days like this everything just seems to be bad as soon as you open your eyes. You are just missing the past and the way things used to be…
The time seems to be rushing like there’s no tomorrow. Feels like yesterday you celebrated your 19th birthday, the first one away from home. You are now quickly approaching your 24th year. Nearly halfway through to your 30s. What are you doing with your life?
You just want to be back home, in your little bedroom having your mother and grandmother always looking after you. But you aren’t there, you are about 1.6k miles away from them feeling more alone than ever. You know you have to pull yourself through to the end of the day. You just cannot wait to get home and forget about everything. Locked in your room, surrounded by shadows of memories…
Maybe tomorrow’s going to be better.